Noah's Ark 2008

[Machu Pikchu]

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Ireland,and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the drawings, saying: " You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. "

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard, but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain !
Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing
with the Fire Department about the need for a sprinkler system. My
neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site,
even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had then to go
through an appeals process for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting
the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we have to apply for a felling licence
to chop down the remaining ones. We live in a Site of Special
Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the Spotted Owl. I
tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space. I pointed out it would be
even more cruel and inhumane to leave them to drown but, again, they
were having none of it.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers
Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an Environmental Impact Study on your proposed flood. I'm still
trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission
on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building
team. The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for
me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and birds started
to sing. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world after all?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Irish government are beating me to it."